batmansphoenix | IC Contact

Well...

[He starts lifting fingers as he mentions things.] I nearly killed Tim.. 3 times? I think 3 times. I tried to kill Bruce when I was younger and out of the pits but realized it wouldn't make me happy. Hurt Dick pretty badly, too. Stabbed Damian- if you don't know who he is ask someone else, I'm not going to go there. But you should probably know he's 10. I convinced a girl with a disfigured face that I was her only friend just so I could have my own Robin. I kidnapped another girl to convince her to be my partner and burned off her school when she said no. I control the drug trade in Gotham, mostly to keep it away from kids and the wrong neighborhoods.

Any specific questions? I can go on.

[ lmao jesus twin. he twitches at the admission that he'd attacked a ten year old, jesus christ. ]

Did-- does any of that help? Does any of that make this-- [ he claws his fingers over his chest, over his heart, meaning the roiling ball of rage and self-loathing and guilt that he carries around every day. ]

--go away?

No.

[The answer comes fast, with no hesitation. He shrugs.] The only thing that would make my anger go away doesn't depend on me. It depends on him.

But it does get better, with time.

[ it's not a surprising answer, but it's not what he wants to hear, either. his mouth flattens in unhappiness. waiting on bruce for anything sounds like a shitty way to pass his time.

a tad harshly, ]

Why don't you just leave? Fuck Gotham, fuck him. Get rich somewhere. Visit every bar in Brazil.

[ but he's asking it for himself, too. ]

You know why.

[Yeah, he's not playing this game. They can't leave Bruce Wayne, they can't leave Batman and most of all they can't leave Gotham. It's part of who they are, tied to their very own sense of being. Or at least, he thinks, it's that way for him.]

I tried. Always come back in the end.

[ his expression twists, and he grabs jason's shoulders. ]

You're older than me. You're years past the point where you come back to Gotham and confront him. Why can't we get better? Why does everything have to be about him?

[He finds it interesting how Jay is way more prone to showing his emotions. Probably because while Jason was being trained to hide them all, he was being kept somewhere by the Joker. They might be alike, but their experiences traumatized them in very different ways.

So while Jay's expressions twists, Jason's turns into immovable stony resolve.]

Don't you think it's obvious you're barking to the wrong tree for that particular question?

[ he didn't start as young, either, and all that time he'd spent training himself and building the militia hadn't really encouraged him to keep his temper in check. ]

Who else am I supposed to ask? Who the hell else would understand?

That's the problem. I understand too much. I'm the bad end, I'm what you don't have to do to get better. I made all the wrong decisions, made mistakes over and over.

[He shakes his head.] B tried to tell me. Tried to say I needed help. I took it as an insult. But it's not too late, for you.

[ as quickly as he'd grabbed jason's shoulders he suddenly shrinks back, a look of betrayal crossing his face quick as a lightning strike, and he sets himself like he's legitimately waiting for jason to attack him. 'needing help' scans as one thing to him: psychiatrists, doctors, pills and electroshock therapy. being strapped to a gurney. the clink of instruments on a surgical tray while the joker hummed to himself. ]

No. No doctors, no-- hospitals. Never again. I'll die first, do you hear me? I'll never go back there.

[Well that sure was a sudden reaction. He makes a mental note to never mention doctors to him again. To be fair, Jason literally jumped on Dick when he replayed the message.]

Chill. No doctors at all, promise. We'll figure some other way. But I am helping you.

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